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I'm lucky I'm lonely  

2012-03-13 19:35:48|  分类: 2012年3月 |  标签: |举报 |字号 订阅

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Im lucky Im lonely - Eudemonia - Hello I am Eudemonia

 

I have been sitting in front of the computer today for a long time. A not so long time for me, but a long long long time, long enough for others.  For many years ago I have been an Internet addict , just searching on the Internet , swimming in the unreal world, not knowing what's outside and what's my life around me just the inner world  I know it clearly anyway.

Oftentimes I think I am murder, kind of self-murder, especially killing myself as quietly as possible , leaving no trace behind and nobody can find out the remain. That's me, ugly me , ruined me.

Sometimes I would try in vain to save myself out of this trap, this kind of  self-made trap which is more dangerous than any one else. There is no wall any longer in my heart and no more walls could be built up in the outside world.

I know if I don't want to be hurt and isolated, nothing can hurt me and stop me from any kind of step forward. The problem lies here, that I would let myself hurt me and separate myself from other people around me.

I can't figure out why I want to be lonely , why I won't feel left out when I am away from people. I can't understand why the more I am alone, the more I am free, and the more I feel free, the more I am happy. The more I am free, the more I want to be freer. The more I am happy, the more I want to be happier. The more I feel happier ,the more I feel guilty. That's a terrible circle of thinking style. Yet it's not really a kind of thinking, it may be a kind of dreaming.

That is what I want. Otherwise I won't be obssessed with the way. Now I feel I am living. When I am writing, I always can feel my spirit, my soul, my living, not only my existence. Now I can feel my torture , my eudemonia, all together rushing towards me in an unprecedented way.  I am relieved at last.

When I am in the university, I often went to the library and read books. I still remember there was a book talking about the meaning of positive and negative thinking. As we all know, positive thinking is much more advocated than negative thinking. Yes, it's the common way to deal with people and things. But on a high level, the latter is more favorite. Don't you think that negative people are more creative and more sensitive? The world is not so sensible after all. There is so much sense in the world. Sometimes we need some crazy ideas to find interesting points to support us through the plain life.

I like the following sentence very much, namely , " I am not bored, but I am boring."  Why? Because it tells me two points. The first point is that no one can really bore you, if you don't bore yourself. In other words, don't be afraid to be bothered, and don't bother yourself. The secong point is that you have to find your own life goal if you don't want to be a boring person. The world in a big scale is beautiful and wonderful , but in a small scale it can be a little boring. However if you are not boring yourself and have fun in life, you may find that your whole world make a big diffrence  if only you make a liitle change, that change can be an outside appearance change or a inside subtle change.  All is OK .

I'm not certain whether I am boring now or not. I define it's kind of boring. It's a kind of boredom.  If not, why I am wrting these nonsense and even not many people can see it. Maybe I am just releasing my pent-up emotions  in this way.

Time is passing quickly. several hours has past by already with my writing on the keyboard. In life's time, there are always a lot of choices waiting for us to choose. We choose time. Time doesn't choose us. It seems really fair. As a matter of fact,  it's the other way around. We contradict. Why? Because choosing itself is kind of cruel. For instance, this moment I choose to write freely not the other things, I maybe win in some sense, but still I lose the other choices, those which are more alluring to other people. Some unchoosen roads are always more fascinating than what we have choosen. That's a golden rule of daily life.

I enjoy writing my own things, people, feelings , all that like. And I enjoy my life doing some not so important things. In that way, I can also relax myself and find out my hidden value as a human being on the earth.

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